If ever I doubted that photography was my calling (which, you can believe I have), this weekend blew those doubts right out of the water.

A month ago, I had mentioned to my dad that I was interested in shooting film photographs for my personal work. I adore my digital cameras, but there is something so tangible and raw about shooting in film, specifically black and white. I love the idea of slowing down and getting back to the foundation of photography, especially black and white film, because it takes a solid understanding of light and tone. My dad suggested that we visit my grandfather. He used to be a photographer and still owns a large collection of retired film cameras.

On Saturday, my dad and I trekked through the rain to my grandpa’s flat where he had prepared a spread of his old cameras for me to look at. I walked into the door, up the narrow staircase, and I was met with the most amazing display of vintage cameras. It was an unbelievable selection of twin lens reflex Rolleiflex, Ansco, Contax, Mamiyaflex cameras, among many other makers.  My grandpa had pulled out a handful of his favorites from storage, which was less than one tenth of his full collection.

As I listened to my grandpa talk about his tools, I browsed through some of his work. Amazing would be an understatement. In the piles of paper on his dining room table, there were perfectly lit portraits of people in deep expression, letters of recommendation speaking of the accolades he had achieved, and images of the countless museum displays he had photographed during his career.

Little did I know that my grandpa was not just a “photographer”… he was a PHOTOGRAPHER. As in, he was the official photographer of the deYoung Museum in San Francisco, the only one at the time. To apply for the job, he tested against 80+ other photographers in both photography and darkroom skills and he ranked in the top two. Still, he waited two years before he got the official offer. After he accepted, he occupied that job for 18 years. He photographed displays for museums around the world, and was courted by national museums in both China and Taiwan to work for them also.  His work was published in Life, National Geographic, and Time magazines, among many others. My grandpa told me that photographing paintings and sculptures for museums helped him to understand the composition of his own photos; after all, painters are the ultimate experts of composition.

“Photographers these days are picture takers,” he told me as I held one of his old Rolleiflex cameras. “Back in my day, we had to take great pictures, and we had to master the art of processing negatives to develop the most beautiful prints possible.” I discovered that my grandpa had not only been a talented photographer, he was also one of the top darkroom technicians of his time. His darkroom skills earned him the honor of working with Ansel Adams, and he even had developed some of Adams’ prints!

“This one here is a reject,” Grandpa said as he pointed toward his wall where a black and white Yosemite print he had developed for Ansel Adams was hanging. “You can see that the white areas are too white. There should be more detail there.”

Next to the Ansel Adams print hung a Chinese painting with a similar landscape. Both the photo and the painting depicted a vertical composition of a steep, dark and rocky mountain terrain with heavy clouds across the sky.

“Look at the Chinese painting and look at the Yosemite photograph. See how similar they are? There is nothing new in this world that has not been created from something else. You and I, we look at the same things. The difference lies in what we see.” Wisdom from a sage.

With a twinkle in his eye, he handed me a heavy Mamiyaflex camera made of metal. I could tell by the peeling of the black contact paper around its body that this camera had been used many times. ”Now this camera, this is one that you use when you want to look like a professional. Choose this and I’ll give you a set of lenses to go with it.”

Before leaving my grandpa’s flat, I chose three cameras out of his immense collection to keep and use for my own: a very practical 35mm Minolta with dials quite familiar to me, a Mamiyaflex that needed a little TLC, and another twin lens reflex camera of which I forgot the name. I eyed a Contax rangefinder, but that will have to wait for later. Three was more than enough to start with. Grandpa told me he would clean them up and test their functionality for me; it had been decades since they were last used. I left his place without the cameras, but with an immeasurable wealth of knowledge, and unexpectedly, a confirmation that I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I know there is no such thing as a photography gene. But, after spending time with my grandpa, I now understand why I’m so drawn to this art, as both my father and uncle were too. It’s all in the family… and I’m so happy that it is.

Just a smidgen of his collection below… I know these all look like the same cameras, but they are all different!

The lovely Mamiyaflex above, is the one I will be keeping.

My goodies above. I can’t wait to use them!

And lastly, a blurry photo (the only one I took) of my grandpa.

I originally journaled these thoughts upon feeling discouraged one night and I decided to make them public to keep myself accountable. So, if you are blabber-adverse, skip to the bottom to see pretty pictures. If just one person can relate to me, I’ve served my purpose in sharing.

Why am I a photographer?

If things had worked out the way I wanted, I would have my own photography gallery in the heart of SF. Unfortunately, the words “art school” and traditional Chinese-American parents don’t mesh well together. Who knew?

My husband bought me my first DSLR years ago and predicted that I would be a photographer one day. Of course, I didn’t believe him. Sometimes I still don’t believe him now. I took the camera with us on a vacation to Europe, and as I fumbled relentlessly with the buttons and functions, something clicked (pun intended). I shot my first wedding with a friend–a scary, exhilarating experience–and I was hooked. I fell in love with storytelling through a lens.

I’ll be honest with you–when I admire the works of famous artists like Annie Leibovitz and Richard Avedon, I feel like a wannabe toting around a digital toy. Yet I’m still here, relentlessly pursuing the craft. Why? I’m not in it for the money–building a business correctly is a LOT more intense than one could imagine. I never had any delusions that it would be easy to be a photographer. I’m not in it for the cool factor. Photography seems like a glamorous profession. But, after tallying up the hours, dollars, and sweat invested, suddenly the cool factor isn’t so cool anymore. So, why am I a photographer…?

I am a photographer because the art has helped me know myself. Before I snap a photo, I ask myself, “What am I trying to say with this image?” As I’ve been developing my personal style, I’ve had to ask deeper questions: What am I trying to communicate with my body of work? What perspective can I offer? What is my personal vision? How can I articulate it? In wrestling with the answers to these questions, I’ve formed a stronger knowledge of my personal identity. Photography has forced me to look–really look–into my heart and ponder tough questions. In the process, I’ve discovered who I am–and more importantly, who I am not.

I am a photographer because it challenges me. There are lots of things that I could challenge myself with. Climbing Mount Everest, for one. But, I am a timid person by nature. I don’t like stepping out of my comfort zone. For most of my years, I’ve been coasting along and taking what falls into my lap, too timid to take any risks. Photography has changed me. As an artist, I want to improve. I want the pictures on my screen to consistently look like the pictures I think up in my head and I’m willing to do what it takes to get there. I have never been so willing to work so hard for anything in my life.

I am a photographer because it inspires me. The art has breathed life into me. I feel inspired like I’ve never felt before. My husband sees it. My friends notice it. I feel it. For years, I’ve regretted not applying to art school over a regular university. I’ve always been a creative person, but I wouldn’t call myself an artist. I don’t draw, paint, or use any of the typical mediums. Having a creative mind without an outlet to express myself is completely frustrating. With photography, I’ve found my outlet. The camera is my brush and light is my paint.

I am a photographer because I can’t imagine doing anything else. I’ve tried to talk myself out of pursuing photography professionally. Photography was my hobby. And when you take a hobby and attach a monetary value to it, well, it’s no longer a hobby. It turns into a job with expectations and deliverables. Sometimes money can suck the life out of art. But, photography consumes me. I wake up and think about it. When I’m driving, I see the highway in image frames. When I open my mouth, I talk about it. The word obsessed would be phrasing it lightly. It’s deeper than an emotional response and I want to share what I feel with others. With a camera in my hand, I’ve finally found where I fit in this world.

Finally, I am a photographer because it draws me closer to God. I don’t talk about my faith publicly because it’s an extremely personal subject. But, I can’t write this post without acknowledging the main reason I’m pursuing this craft. It is the only reason I know I am moving in the right direction. I view everything in my life as either drawing me closer to God or pulling me away. With photography, I’ve gained humility, discipline, and vision. It has been a tool to refine my character and I’ve had to depend on His guidance more than ever.

Perhaps my time as a photographer will be a season in my life. For right now, I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

We’ve all heard the quote, “Follow your dreams,” so often, it’s down right cheesy. Maybe it’s cheesy because it’s so impractical–one of those phrases people say, but never do. The act of chasing dreams usually involves uncomfortable situations, like letting go of financial security and failing miserably a million times before getting things right.

I’ve never been one to venture out of my comfort zone. Failure wasn’t an option for me because I was too fearful to try new things to fail at. I lived my life numbly, filling my time with hobbies and interests instead of purpose and passion. Then, in 2007, I married to a man who believed in me.

Andrew is someone I’d label a true idealist. He doesn’t believe in living a life without purpose. All of his decisions are intentional, from his $2 drugstore purchases to each minute that he spends on the internet. Being married to someone who lives purposefully, one can’t help but strive to live less frivolously. And, when a man who is incredibly intentional with his time and money tells me he believes in me and wants us both to invest in me… well, I have to believe in myself too.

Last year, I took a step of faith; I photographed my first wedding. The first step was the scariest. Each consecutive step became easier. Before I knew it, I looked back and realized that I had photographed five weddings! And, I loved every minute of them. I adore being around people in love. As a wife myself, I believe in marriage. A healthy marriage will bring joy and growth in ways no other relationship can offer. I know the character building trials of making decisions in a partnership. I’ve experienced firsthand the joy of having someone believe in me and I’ve felt the security of beling loved unconditionally. Capturing these emotions in images is a passion and a privilege.

This year, I’m taking a leap of faith. I know what I want even if I don’t know how to get there. If I fail, I’ll fail big, get up, and start over. But, I’m not letting fear stop me from living passionately. I’ve let fear have its way for thirty years already and now I refuse to let mediocrity win. So, here I am, following my dreams.

Above is another photo I snapped during Mike Larson’s winter workshop. I like this image, but I hope in two years, I will look back at it and realize how much I’ve progressed.

*Tap tap.* Is this thing on?       Hello?

Oh, hi! I didn’t know I had an audience out there.  Welcome to my photography blog! Thanks for joining me in my adventures behind the lens. On this blog, I will be posting my favorite images from weddings, engagement shoots, and everyday life in the city. It will also serve as documentation of my journey of diving head first (without a life jacket) into professional photography.

I should probably explain why Elmo is tagging along for the ride. He’s my number one model and you’ll probably be seeing him around. I make him pose for me while I practice lighting techniques on him and he never utters a word of complaint. I figure he deserves 15 minutes of blog fame.

So, thanks for visiting. I love meeting new people, so if you’re inclined to leave a comment every now and again, I’d absolutely love to hear from you. See you around!