I originally journaled these thoughts upon feeling discouraged one night and I decided to make them public to keep myself accountable. So, if you are blabber-adverse, skip to the bottom to see pretty pictures. If just one person can relate to me, I’ve served my purpose in sharing.

Why am I a photographer?

If things had worked out the way I wanted, I would have my own photography gallery in the heart of SF. Unfortunately, the words “art school” and traditional Chinese-American parents don’t mesh well together. Who knew?

My husband bought me my first DSLR years ago and predicted that I would be a photographer one day. Of course, I didn’t believe him. Sometimes I still don’t believe him now. I took the camera with us on a vacation to Europe, and as I fumbled relentlessly with the buttons and functions, something clicked (pun intended). I shot my first wedding with a friend–a scary, exhilarating experience–and I was hooked. I fell in love with storytelling through a lens.

I’ll be honest with you–when I admire the works of famous artists like Annie Leibovitz and Richard Avedon, I feel like a wannabe toting around a digital toy. Yet I’m still here, relentlessly pursuing the craft. Why? I’m not in it for the money–building a business correctly is a LOT more intense than one could imagine. I never had any delusions that it would be easy to be a photographer. I’m not in it for the cool factor. Photography seems like a glamorous profession. But, after tallying up the hours, dollars, and sweat invested, suddenly the cool factor isn’t so cool anymore. So, why am I a photographer…?

I am a photographer because the art has helped me know myself. Before I snap a photo, I ask myself, “What am I trying to say with this image?” As I’ve been developing my personal style, I’ve had to ask deeper questions: What am I trying to communicate with my body of work? What perspective can I offer? What is my personal vision? How can I articulate it? In wrestling with the answers to these questions, I’ve formed a stronger knowledge of my personal identity. Photography has forced me to look–really look–into my heart and ponder tough questions. In the process, I’ve discovered who I am–and more importantly, who I am not.

I am a photographer because it challenges me. There are lots of things that I could challenge myself with. Climbing Mount Everest, for one. But, I am a timid person by nature. I don’t like stepping out of my comfort zone. For most of my years, I’ve been coasting along and taking what falls into my lap, too timid to take any risks. Photography has changed me. As an artist, I want to improve. I want the pictures on my screen to consistently look like the pictures I think up in my head and I’m willing to do what it takes to get there. I have never been so willing to work so hard for anything in my life.

I am a photographer because it inspires me. The art has breathed life into me. I feel inspired like I’ve never felt before. My husband sees it. My friends notice it. I feel it. For years, I’ve regretted not applying to art school over a regular university. I’ve always been a creative person, but I wouldn’t call myself an artist. I don’t draw, paint, or use any of the typical mediums. Having a creative mind without an outlet to express myself is completely frustrating. With photography, I’ve found my outlet. The camera is my brush and light is my paint.

I am a photographer because I can’t imagine doing anything else. I’ve tried to talk myself out of pursuing photography professionally. Photography was my hobby. And when you take a hobby and attach a monetary value to it, well, it’s no longer a hobby. It turns into a job with expectations and deliverables. Sometimes money can suck the life out of art. But, photography consumes me. I wake up and think about it. When I’m driving, I see the highway in image frames. When I open my mouth, I talk about it. The word obsessed would be phrasing it lightly. It’s deeper than an emotional response and I want to share what I feel with others. With a camera in my hand, I’ve finally found where I fit in this world.

Finally, I am a photographer because it draws me closer to God. I don’t talk about my faith publicly because it’s an extremely personal subject. But, I can’t write this post without acknowledging the main reason I’m pursuing this craft. It is the only reason I know I am moving in the right direction. I view everything in my life as either drawing me closer to God or pulling me away. With photography, I’ve gained humility, discipline, and vision. It has been a tool to refine my character and I’ve had to depend on His guidance more than ever.

Perhaps my time as a photographer will be a season in my life. For right now, I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

We’ve all heard the quote, “Follow your dreams,” so often, it’s down right cheesy. Maybe it’s cheesy because it’s so impractical–one of those phrases people say, but never do. The act of chasing dreams usually involves uncomfortable situations, like letting go of financial security and failing miserably a million times before getting things right.

I’ve never been one to venture out of my comfort zone. Failure wasn’t an option for me because I was too fearful to try new things to fail at. I lived my life numbly, filling my time with hobbies and interests instead of purpose and passion. Then, in 2007, I married to a man who believed in me.

Andrew is someone I’d label a true idealist. He doesn’t believe in living a life without purpose. All of his decisions are intentional, from his $2 drugstore purchases to each minute that he spends on the internet. Being married to someone who lives purposefully, one can’t help but strive to live less frivolously. And, when a man who is incredibly intentional with his time and money tells me he believes in me and wants us both to invest in me… well, I have to believe in myself too.

Last year, I took a step of faith; I photographed my first wedding. The first step was the scariest. Each consecutive step became easier. Before I knew it, I looked back and realized that I had photographed five weddings! And, I loved every minute of them. I adore being around people in love. As a wife myself, I believe in marriage. A healthy marriage will bring joy and growth in ways no other relationship can offer. I know the character building trials of making decisions in a partnership. I’ve experienced firsthand the joy of having someone believe in me and I’ve felt the security of beling loved unconditionally. Capturing these emotions in images is a passion and a privilege.

This year, I’m taking a leap of faith. I know what I want even if I don’t know how to get there. If I fail, I’ll fail big, get up, and start over. But, I’m not letting fear stop me from living passionately. I’ve let fear have its way for thirty years already and now I refuse to let mediocrity win. So, here I am, following my dreams.

Above is another photo I snapped during Mike Larson’s winter workshop. I like this image, but I hope in two years, I will look back at it and realize how much I’ve progressed.